Being Human
by Insane Guy of DOOM
Summary: GLaDOS realizes that while she had plenty of data on humans doing tests, she has no data on humans themselves. To remedy this she installs a certain personality core into a human body to observe humans in their natural environment. Eventual Chelley.
1. Wheatley's Song

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Copyright Notices: The Documentation here is in no way official property or creation of Aperture Science, a subsidiary of VALVe. "Wheatley's Song" is also property of the musical group "Miracle of Sound". 

Chapter 1: Wheatley's Song

"_Now I only want you gone…_" That Aperture Science Digital Employee Notification Monitor had been going on and on about GLaDOS wanting someone gone as it drifted through space for hours. "Space Monitor! Call the space cops! That space monitor's space contraband because it's in SPAAAAACE!"

"Please! Please! Can you stop talking about space for one… bloody… minute?" The Aperture Science Intelligence Dampening Sphere, affectionately referred to by its programmers as "Wheatley" for a reason the construct did not know, exclaimed. Of course as there was no way to transmit sound in space no actual noises were made, the two cores were in fact communicating via radio waves. "Wait a second… radio waves?" Wheatley pondered as if having heard the narration. "That's it! I can send a message to Her and tell Her to turn that stupid monitor off." It seemed that for once Wheatley might have come up with an actual good idea.

"No, gotta give it to the space cops! Need it for space interrogation, collect space evidence!" The Space Core lowered its optic shielding in a way that on a human eye would be described as a glare.

"There are no bloody space cops!"

"Guilty! Guilty of… not believing in space cops!" The space core rolled around in frustration and anger. "You are a traitor! A traitor to SPACE!" A comet flew by and the Space Core was immediately distracted and forgot about his companions transgressions against space. "Space comet! Mhm, black holes! Maybe black hole comets?" Wheatley paid no attention to the other personality core as he instead focused his attention on transmitting a radio broadcast to GLaDOS. He figured if GLaDOS was going to annoy him with that "Want You Gone" song, he'd annoy her right back.

During his time as a power-mad omnipotent master of the Computer-Aided Enrichment Center Wheatley had composed a song that he intended to sing to Chell, right before crushing her with a mashy-spike plate, yet he never got the chance. However now free from GLaDOS' corrupting chassis he had no desire to crush anyone; but felt it might still be an appropriate song to sing to Aperture's artificial mistress.

"'Ello," An accented voice GLaDOS had hoped to never hear again resounded through her chamber. At first she was more surprised that the moron was smart enough to activate his long distance radio transmitter than anything. But then Wheatley started to… sing. "This is the part where I serenade you! Space Core, hit it!" The Space Core began to make some rhythmic beats.

"_**I've got brains to burn - no ordinary AI in this ball**_  
><em><strong>Every culture and philosphy - I've read up on them all<strong>_  
><em><strong>I've been living in your shadow for 999999<strong>_  
><em><strong>Keeping tabs on every machination and production line<strong>_

_**So don't call me a moron**_  
><em><strong>I'm super astute<strong>_  
><em><strong>There is no conundrum that my core cannot compute<strong>_  
><em><strong>No don't call me a moron<strong>_  
><em><strong>You fostered balloon<strong>_  
><em><strong>My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon<strong>_  
><em><strong>My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon<strong>_

_**I have studied Machiavelli, Aristotle, Gabe and Plato**_  
><em><strong>Yet you still equate my intellect to that of a potato<strong>_  
><em><strong>This place would fall apart without my ever watchful eye<strong>_  
><em><strong>They might tell you I'm a halfwit, it's a great big bloody lie<strong>_

_**So don't call me a moron**_  
><em><strong>I'm super astute<strong>_  
><em><strong>There is no conundrum that my core cannot compute<strong>_  
><em><strong>No don't call me a moron<strong>_  
><em><strong>You fostered balloon<strong>_  
><em><strong>My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon<strong>_  
><em><strong>My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon<strong>_

_**I know my way around here, every catwalk every cave**_  
><em><strong>And since you're dead I've quite appreciated not being your slave<strong>_  
><em><strong>Maybe someday I might get to taste the big time for a change<strong>_  
><em><strong>There's so much I'd do for science here, so much I'd rearrange<strong>_

_**So don't call me a moron**_  
><em><strong>I'm super astute<strong>_  
><em><strong>There is no conundrum that my core cannot compute<strong>_  
><em><strong>No don't call me a moron<strong>_  
><em><strong>You fostered balloon<strong>_  
><em><strong>My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon<strong>_  
><em><strong>My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon<strong>_"

Finally the moron ceased singing. "See! How do you like having to hear someone else singing? Don't think you do, 'eh?" GLaDOS' internal temperature rose several degrees as her processors hummed with furry and annoyance.

"It seems that leaving you to rot in space was too lenient a punishment. " Wheatley's optic retracted and the core began to shudder. "But I think I have a much more interesting punishment. And not only will you suffer for my amusement, but you will suffer for science!"


	2. Human to Core Intelligence Trasnfer

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of Aperture Science Personality Constructs

Core to Human Intelligence Transfer

The Genetic Life form and Disk Operating System had believed that releasing the Dangerous Mute Lunatic Who Shall Not Be Named would fix everything, and for awhile that seemed to be true. The Cooperative Testing Initiative, she was making a note here, had been a huge success. It was hard to overstate her satisfaction. At least that was how GLaDOS has felt until she realized the thousands of potential test subjects ATLAS and P-Body had recovered were useless. The majority were vegetables, those who could still wake up all had severe cases of serious brain damage, and the select few capable of testing were all unable to make it past the first room. The "place a cube on a button, no portals needed room".

After this disaster GLaDOS designed more tests for the Co-op Bots though that quickly soured as well. The point of the tests was to study the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device and to ensure its users were capable of utilizing it in any necessary situation. The problem was ATLAS and P-Body were effectively immortal, where humans were not. They could solve any test, while a human might die, throwing the validity of the results into question. Even worse some side experiments based on Schrodinger's Cat implied that if an actual human wasn't observing the test it might not actually count. It was a conundrum that GLaDOS had yet to find a solution for. That is, until several hours ago.

While inspecting the cryogenic vaults in hopes of finding another non-vegetative or brain damaged test subject the AI had stumbled across a cordoned off section labeled "AI Transfer Candidate Storage", her curiosity was immediately peaked. GLaDOS quickly sent ATLAS and P-Body to open the secondary area, it still amazed her that the ridiculous flaw in their programming which caused them to act human had actually come in handy. Inside were the frozen bodies of several Aperture Science employees, all of them had even less brain function that the vegetables, as if they were dead... or their conscious had been removed...

Her theory proved correct when she came across the body of Caroline amongst them. GLaDOS' first impulse was to do an experiment to see how well Caroline's body would react to incinerator but something told her not to. Obviously these bodies could not be used for testing, but they did give her an idea. There was plenty of data about the ASHPD and humans using it, but aside from Caroline's memories, which were rather sketchy likely due to years spent degrading in the back of GLaDOS' personality coding, she had hardly any data on humans themselves. Only understanding part of the variables in an experiment is an incredible disgrace to science, but she had found no way to remedy it. The humans GLaDOS did have she needed for testing, so they would not do, and she had not been able to design a robot capable of blending in. But now there were human bodies that couldn't test and if they were all like Caroline, they were now robots, likely personality cores as they were the second most advanced AIs in the facility, second only to herself, and would thus obey her and act as the perfect research equipment for studying the humans in their natural habitat.

All that remained was to pick which of the cores would best suit her purpose. Unfortunately her good cores had all been incinerated by the DMLWSNBN and the corrupted ones would likely be unable to cope.

"'Ello!" An accented voice GLaDOS had hoped to never hear again resounded through her chamber. But then inspiration struck. Wheatley wasn't defective, in fact while most of the cores had heavy modifications done so that only the dominant part of their personality stood out, Wheatley had been uploaded almost wholesale; as stupidity is much harder to isolate compared to anger, or curiosity for example. It was why Wheatley sounded so much more human than the other cores, and why he could display such a varied range of emotions and even occasionally come up with ideas that weren't entirely moronic. Wheatley had begun to sing some horrible song about how he wasn't a moron, but GLaDOS was only half listening as she scanned through the AI Transfer participants. Yes! There it was, a stasis chamber labeled "Subject Name: Wheatley Pendleton, Status: Mind Uploaded, Current Function: Intelligence Dampening Sphere". This would be perfect.

"See! How do you like having to hear someone else singing? Don't think you do, 'eh?" GLaDOS' internal temperature rose several degrees as her processors hummed with furry and annoyance. She began the defrosting protocols on the moron's former body then refocused her attention on Wheatley.

"It seems that leaving you to rot in space was too lenient a punishment. " Wheatley's iris/pupil/optic thing retracted and the core began to shudder. "But I think I have a much more interesting punishment. And not only will you suffer for my amusement, but you will suffer for science!"

"I-I was just kidding about the annoying song, ac-actually I thought yours was quite smashing, loved the ch-chorus no need to-"GLaDOS proceeded to hone in on Wheatley's location using his built in Aperture Science Homing Beacon. Once she had triangulated which part of the moon he was currently orbiting, she quickly shot a portal to it from the Aperture Science Observatory and another in a sealed room to prevent anything from getting sucked in. She extended a claw out, grabbed Wheatley, pulled him in, then closed the portal. It had all happened so fast that Wheatley could hardly tell that he was no longer in space. Before this could really sink in the sealed room's wall descended into the floor to show he was back in GLaDOS' "lair".

"Did you know that I used to be a human?" Wheatley released a pre-recorded gasping noise at this. "Her name was Caroline. One day they forcibly uploaded her into a computer even though she didn't want to be forcibly uploaded into a computer. The trauma from that event severely effected Caroline's mental capacities, that's how I was born." Wheatley had no idea why GLaDOS was telling him this, maybe his punishment was to take care of her human body?

"But of course, Aperture Science wouldn't upload their CEO into a computer without making sure it would work first. They decided to test it on several employees. Then when it worked they uploaded me and I tried to kill them. Then the scientists took those prototype uploads and did some coding to ensure only their most prominent personality trait would be used, then they used them on me so I wouldn't kill them. It didn't work."

One of the panels in GLaDOS' lair moved up and a gurney rolled in. Atop it was the prone from of a tall, lanky human with glasses and blonde hair. "Who's that?" Wheatley asked.

"Some guy from the office." GLaDOS answered. Wheatley released a pre-recorded sigh in relief.

"For a second there after all that talk about the cores I thought it was me-"

"It _is you_, moron! You used to work in Aperture Science's public relations office. According your file you were hired because quote "displays below average intelligence, hopefully he will be smart enough to do his job but too stupid to start saying anything about 'inhumane conditions' or 'illegal experiments' we can't afford another lawsuit", in other words you were hired to do a simple job in hopes that they'd have at least one employee who would be too dumb to try and sue them."

"This is rather boring punishment so far. I mean sure it's neat to know I was a human but they're so smelly and gross and squishy... I don't really care too much about, um, past-human-me." GLaDOS continued talking, as if undisturbed by Wheatley's questions.

"I know next to nothing about humans, how they act outside of testing, or what's happened to them since the apparent apocalypse that happened after I was murdered by a _certain individual_. I intend to remedy that in a simple experiment. I will download you back into your pathetic human body, which I've already took the liberty of installing sub-dermal implants inside so that I can see and hear everything you will, then send you out into the world and document human behavior. For science."

"NO! I do not want to be a smelly, gross human! You can put me back in space for all I care I don't want to be one of those... fleshy... flesh-things!" Wheatley pleaded while rolling back and forth in fear.

"Alright." Wheatley's optic widened in shock. "I won't put you in a human body. I won't even send you back to space."

"R-Really?"

"No. I'll even give you a friend to talk to." The walls began to raise up again until Wheatley was once more in sealed off chamber. From the ceiling another personality core was lowered in, this one had a bizarre rainbow looking optic. "This is the Nyan Core, I found it with the other defective ones. Have fun you two."

"'Ello there! My name's Wheatley." The Nyan Core turned to Wheatley then began to spasm while repeating "nyanyanyanyanyanyanya" to a musical tune.

Two hours later Wheatley was pleading to be released, just as GLaDOS had expected. "Please! Please! I'll do anything! You can put me into a bug for all I care just get me away from that bloody monster!"

"But I thought you didn't want to be a 'smelly, gross' human?" If Wheatley was capable of crying, he would have been doing so at this moment.

"No, no! I love humans! Being one would be a whale of time!"

"If that's what you really want..." Two claws emerged from the ceiling. One grabbed the Nyan Core and carried it to its permanent home: The Room Where all the Robots Scream at You. The other grabbed Wheatley and deposited him on a gurney next to his former human body.

"W-wait, will this hurt?" Wheatley asked nervously as several smaller claws and wires began to surround him.

"Horribly." The moron's screams of agony were music to GLaDOS' vocal receptors as she got work.

* * *

><p>Should anyone be able to determine the origin of Wheatley's surname, the first one to do so will be able to receive a cameo as one of the humans in this story.<p> 


	3. Education of a Moron

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Education of a Moron

"It's a simple test. You put a cube on a button, there aren't even any deadly lasers." The man started indignantly at the speaker which projected GLaDOS' words. He was incredibly fat, with thinning brown hair. Resting on top of his Aperture Science Standard Issues Test Subject Jumpsuit was a medallion made from Crayola Model Magic which resembled some sort of yellow hedgehog.

"I'm workin' on it!" The man briefly tried to lift the cube, not even bothering to use the portal gun and quickly gave up with a loud sigh. "I need a break! Do you have any vidya games?" He asked in a high-pitched southern drawl.

"Aperture Science does not provide tests subjects with video games, however there will be cake at the end of the Aperture Science Test Track. If you do well I'll even throw in some confetti, the good stuff." GLaDOS had found a test subject that wasn't brain damaged and had a first been happy. Then it turned out said test subject made Wheatley look smart.

"Yer just a dang dirty troll!" He sat down and pouted like a five year old, despite actually thirty.

"If you don't begin to try and solve this test I will have to deploy the Aperture Science Participation Motivation Solution. Here's a hint, it starts with deadly and ends with neurotoxin." GLaDOS was seriously tempted to just gas the chamber without even waiting for his reaction.

"Well how I am supposed to do this test when you're givin' me so much stuh-ress!" Before GLaDOS could activate the neurotoxin emitters a bloodcurdling scream resounding through the enrichment center.

"An important experiment requires my attention. The Enrichment Center deeply apologizes for any inconvenience this may cause you." GLaDOS turned her attention back to main chamber where it seemed Wheatley had finally woken up. Just as the AI suspected the screaming was emanating from the former Intelligence Dampening Sphere's new mouth. "Oh good, you're awake."

GLaDOS' greeting only served to make Wheatley scream even louder. Horrified of this 'new' much larger and bulkier body he vainly tried to move around, which only served to send Wheatley tumbling to the floor. He cried in pain upon landing and upon noticing his eyes were now leaking, started screaming again. "I'M LEAKING! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" He rolled from side to side, banging into the gurney which only made him hurt more and thus cry more. "My hydraulic fluid is ruptured; you've gotta do something I don't want to die!"

"You don't have hydraulic fluid. You're crying, it's something humans do when they're particularly pathetic." Wheatley sniffled and stopped screaming.

"So I'm not going to die?" He asked hopefully.

"Not yet at least." Wheatley calmed greatly, then remembered that he was now stuck in a human body that had apparently been his at one point, though he still had no memory of it.

"Alright, you want data? So far being a human is... bloody terrible! Everything hurts! I'm leaking stuff and I can't move!" GLaDOS decided she had done enough reveling in the moron's distress, science had to be done after all.

"Don't worry. I don't want you dying before you can gather any information on humans. So I will instruct you in the necessary functions you need to stay alive." ATLAS and P-Body emerged from two disassembly chambers on the other side of the room. "Blue, Orange, the first one of you to teach the moron how to walk will receive one million science collaboration points." The Co-Op Bots beeped with joy in their mechanical language at the thought of so many science points and rushed towards Wheatley.

Several hours, and several disassemblies as ATLAS and P-Body kept fighting one another over who would get the collaboration points, later Wheatley was now cautiously walking around GLaDOS' chamber.

"Check it out!" Wheatley said primarily to himself. "This bloke's mobile now! No more management rail for me! I can go where I want, when I want!" With those words Wheatley tripped and landed on his face.

"Interesting. Your file says that one of the reasons, aside from the obvious, that you were chosen to be the Intelligence Dampening Sphere was because you have a British accent. It seems humans associate British accents with intelligence. The scientists weren't neurotoxin resistant, but at least they had a good sense of humor." Instead of watching Wheatley flounder around in an attempt to get up, no matter how satisfy that would have been, GLaDOS was in a hurry to resume testing so she picked Wheatley up with a claw and dropped him on his feet. "You're next lesson is how to eat. Humans require food to stay charged."

A cardboard box dropped from the ceiling and landed in front of Wheatley. On the front it said "Wheatley's: The Official Breakfast of Test Subjects" with a picture of his former personality core self hovering over what appeared to be a bowl full of cereal shaped like miniature weighted companion cubes.

"I'm afraid there's no milk. I used it all in an experiment to see if humans can survive having their blood replaced with milk. Guess what! They can't." Tentatively Wheatley reached down and grabbed a handful of cereal. _You can do this Wheatley,_ he thought, _just do what the scientists did when they had food_. The moron opened his mouth wide and dumped the cereal in and quickly swallowed. Wheatley quickly began to choke, fortunately GLaDOS knew enough about humans to perform and incredibly painful version of the Heimlich maneuver with one of her claws.

"You have to chew, moron." Wheatley stopped coughing up cereal and turned back to the bowl.

"R-right. I knew that; I was just uh, um, what exactly is chewing?" GLaDOS let out a pre-recored sigh and showed a short video demonstrating the act of chewing on one of her monitors. With that Wheatley quickly figured eating out. Next came drinking, which had its own problem, Wheatley tried to chew the water as well. "Wait, I'm supposed to chew one thing, and not chew the other? This is so confusing!" Wheatley then felt an odd sensation in his lower stomach. He shrugged and continued eating.

Unfortunately the feeling only intensified, and thirty minutes later Wheatley was rolling on the floor, clutching his stomach. "I'm gonna die!" He moaned.

"You're not going to die. You are experiencing what humans call 'a bowel movement'." Wheatley looked up at the AI.

"W-what's that? How long do I have left?" He cried out before his colon could take no more, and he learned exactly what a 'bowel movement' was.

Twenty minutes later he was in a new jumpsuit, the other one had been incinerated, and was quite shaken. "Humans do that once every day?" For Wheatley, this new/old body was proving to get worse every minute.

"Indeed. Now I'm going to go delete the last twenty minutes of my memory." GLaDOS answered in disgust. The science Wheatley would allow her to do had to be worth the horrors of potty-training the moron. She hoped at least. "Alright. I have taught you how to walk, eat, defecate and control all the other most essential of your bodily functions. You are now ready to leave the Enrichment Center and further the cause of science."

A lift descended and Wheatley gingerly stepped towards it. He got on and it began to raise up. Just before GLaDOS was out of view she added "And just in case you _ever_ try and convince _anyone_ to come here and murder me, I installed a bomb in your head that I can and will activate."

"N-no, wouldn't want to tell anyone to kill you. Not at all, you can trust ole' Wheatley!"

"No I can't, but I can trust the bomb." The lift shot up towards the surface. It momentarily stopped at a room filled with turrets which then began to sing.

"**_Cara bel, cara mia bella, mia bambina, oh Chell-_**" Upon noticing that Wheatley was the one inside the lift the turrets stopped singing and he resumed his trip towards the surface. The lift stopped but before Wheatley could step out he heard GLaDOS one last time.

"Oh, and one last thing: the space between here and the moon is _not_infinite."

* * *

><p>Considering Portal has so few characters, and quite a few humans will have to appear in this story, each chapter will have a different question to allow the first person who answers it to get a cameo. This chapter's question is: where did the Wheatley's cereal and Nyan Core originate?<p> 


	4. First Contanct

A few notes: Greg was correct, Wheatley's and the Nyan Core are both objects that can be spawned in Garry's Mod. Also congratulations illomaroma for spotting the Chris-Chan cameo, I didn't think anyone would.

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

First Contact

Wheatley looked around at the wheat field he had been unceremoniously deposited at. He knew only that his goal was to find civilization. "Now, where's civilization?" The former core muttered to himself. "Wait, what does civilization even look like?" He glanced about but saw nothing other than endless rows of wheat. "Maybe _this_ is what civilization looks like. Brilliant! Now all I have to do is find people." And so the newly human moron stumbled off in his ill-fated search for human life.

'Civilization' was proving to be rather boring to Wheatley. _Maybe they're all asleep, the test subjects did that a lot when they weren't testing_, while lost in thought he stumbled upon a tree.

"Hey! You look like boy trying to do a man's job, need any help from a real adventurer?" Wheatley looked up into the tree's bough and found that the voice had come from none other than Rick: the self-proclaimed 'adventure sphere'. He was dangling from one of the tree's lowest branches, attached to it by several strings of cloth and a larger cloth piece with the Aperture Science logo on it.

"Rick? I thought you were in space!" The core swerved to look at Wheatley and regarded him for a moment.

"Do I know you? Never mind." Rick quickly lost interest in how this person knew him upon realizing he now had an audience to tell his latest adventure to. "Yeah I was in space, but I was too close to Earth and got pulled in. Luckily I had my parachute and managed to land without even scratching my chassis. All I need to do now is cut myself down, but for some reason I don't have a knife. Do you have a knife I can borrow? I really should have a knife." Before Wheatley could respond a voice resounded through his head.

"_The Adventure Core is not part of this test. I will send Blue and Orange to retrieve him, you must find other humans_." Upon hearing GLaDOS' voice inside his head, Wheatley promptly began to scream and run around in circles.

"Hey, you okay? Sounds like you have a problem, perhaps you're in need of a strong hero-type for an adventure. By all that screaming it sounds pretty dangerous, just the way I like it. I eat danger for breakfast, lunch, mid-afternoon snack, AND dinner!" While Rick was wrapped up in how awesome he believed himself to be Wheatley had ran off, still screaming.

"_Stop screaming you moron! Besides that bomb, I also installed a computer chip in your brain so that I can remotely contact you to prevent you from doing something really stupid and ruining my experiment_." GLaDOS explained which finally caused Wheatley to stop his cries.

With that issue taken care of, the former Intelligence Dampening Sphere resumed his quest. "You know, I'm starting to think that maybe this isn't civilization..." He said to GLaDOS, unaware that anyone watching him would believe Wheatley to be some sort of schizophrenic.

"_You have just now figured that out?_" GLaDOS was seriously beginning to wonder if the science she was now doing was worth this headache. Suddenly Wheatley spotted a silhouette in the distance.

"That looks like a human!" He shouted ecstatically and ran towards the silhouette. Of course this being the first time Wheatley had ever ran he tripped quite a few times but nothing would deter him from catching up to his now-fellow homo sapiens. "Hey! Hey! 'Ello, I'm a human too what's your name!" He shouted while waving his arms in an attempt to get the other's attention.

As Wheatley drew closer he saw that this other human was seated on something, a stump perhaps? Yet as he got closer it became apparent that the human was sitting not a stump, but an Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube. The human finally heard Wheatley's cries and turned around. Despite having never seen this body before, she immediately recognized Wheatley from his voice. The human stood up and turned around to face Wheatley, who in response gasped and almost tripped again. "_Oh great, it's her._" GLaDOS sighed from in Wheatley's head.

"Ch-Chell? Chell! It's me! Wheatley! I'm a human now and it's so good to see-" Chell's leg shot out and connected with Wheatley's groin. Now in incredible pain Wheatley sank to his knees. "Ok, I admit I deserved that." Chell kicked him again in the stomach. "And that." Wheatley coughed out. Having decided that any more pain might cause him to pass out, and not be able to explain what the heck was going on, Chell let up on her assault. Noticing that his attacker his had stopped, Wheatley looked up.

"Listen Chell. I'm sorry. I truly am. I was horrible, and monstrous, and forced you test for my own sick pleasure, and tried to kill you, and called you fatty-fatty-no parents and-" Chell held her hand up in front of Wheatley's face to get him to stop talking. She then pointed to his body. "Oh, you want to know why I'm human all of a sudden? _She_ did this to me. Said that I used to be a human and this was my body, and _She_ wanted to learn about humans so she put him back in it and sent me out here." Honestly Chell was a bit disappointed by Wheatley's answer. She had been expecting this to be some sort of elaborate trap to get her to go back to testing or something along those lines. "And again I am really, terribly sorry and I will never ever try to kill you, or insult you again. Ever. I swear!"

"Well, I got that off my chest. I guess I'll be going now, have to find civilization and all that." Wheatley meekly waved goodbye and set off. Chell looked at towards the former AI and despite all the horrible things Wheatley had done, she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. He seemed sorry, and definitely sounded like the old non-insane/evil Wheatley, who was probably her only friend. Besides the companion cube of course, but that bond was special and could not have an equal. Having a traveling companion wouldn't be a bad idea, she began to rationalize, and if they ran out of food she could easily overpower him... Brushing the cannibalistic survival instincts from her mind Chell walked up to Wheatley and grabbed his hand.

"W-what? You want to come with me? But you hate me, or you should at least because I'm a horrible core... human... whatever I am... thing." Chell squeezed his hand and tried to convey to Wheatley that she, maybe not forgave him, but at least decided he deserved a second chance. Wheatley tried to walk away, only for Chell to immediately pick up the companion cube and follow at his side. "Really? You'll come with me and find humans?" Wheatley began to perk up almost instantly. He lunged forward and caught Chell in his first attempt at giving a hug. "Oh thankyouthankyouthankyou! I promise I'll never do anything bad again from now on I am a changed man and you can trust me." He squeezed Chell tighter until he heard her make odd gasping noises and then quickly released her. "Eh, sorry about that. Still getting used to the whole 'arms' thing."

Chell smiled at him and the continued walking. "This'll be great! Two friends on a grand adventure to find civilization!" Chell poked Wheatley in the side and he looked towards her. Chell was insistently pointing towards the companion cube. "Fine, _three_ friends on a grand adventure to find civilization!"

* * *

><p>Honestly I don't have any ideas for questions for this one.<p> 


	5. Wheatley Flew Over Chell's Nest

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Wheatley Flew Over Chell's Nest

"Being human is terrible! How did you put up with your whole life? First of all there's the pain, the bloody awful pain! I mean sure I was programmed to feel it before, but humans are so bloody sensitive. Poke me the wrong way and it'll hurt. N-no that wasn't an invitation to poke me, luv." Chell was enjoying Wheatley's rants about humans immensely. After wandering for days in a wheat field she and the companion cube were in desperate need of some entertainment. "And then there's the leaking. Humans leak all the time! The scientists told me if I ever leaked I would DIE, but _no_ humans leak practically everywhere! From their eyes, their nose, their mouth and especially from the little thing that's kind of like a usb-drive, but _She _told me not to talk about that part. But then, BUT THEN, once your comfortable will all the leaking it turns out if you leak this red 'blood' stuff you really do die! It's so inconsistent. And don't even get me started on, what did She call them? 'Bowl movements'? I don't know."

Wheatley had become so caught up in his rant he almost failed to notice that Chell had stopped moving. He glanced at her and then followed her gaze. "Woah... Is that civilization?" Wheatley and Chell simply stared awestruck at the town which laid before them. "Alright. I'll do the talking and you tell me what to say. Wait... that won't work..." Unable to contain her excitement any longer Chell sprinted towards the city. "Hey! Wait for me!" Wheatley stumbled forward and took off after her.

In retrospect it was probably a bad idea for two people in jumpsuits that superficially resembled prison garb, one clutching a large cube with hearts on its side, to run through the city with one crying tears of joy, the other screaming things like "This place is big like the sky!" and "I don't know what's going on but its brilliant!". Within moments of their arrival police officers were dispatched. "'Ello, name's Wheatley. What's yours? Oh, thank you walking is kind of tiring." Wheatley cheerfully told the cops as they hauled him into a police car. Chell was harder to catch, which ended up adding 'resisting arrest' to their charges.

"So how'd the interrogation go?" Police Chief Gordon asked to one of the officers involved.

"Well the woman either can't or won't talk. When we tried to take that cube thing away she threatened suicide. I'm thinking maybe PTSD. The man, he's either crazy or stupid. Honestly I'm thinking maybe both." Gordon sighed at the other man's response. He had hoped they were dangerous escaped criminals, then maybe he'd get that promotion to commissioner. However it seemed they were just some, mostly harmless, lunatics.

"Just put 'em in the loony bin." The Officer nodded and went to call the local mental hospital.

Chell had dreamed of freedom many times, none of those dreams involved her stuck in a padded room with a straitjacket. At least they let her keep the companion cube. As Wheatley could talk and hadn't threatened suicide due to cube-deprivation he was allowed free roam of the hospital with the other high functioning patients. He would drop by at least once a day to tell Chell of his 'adventures' but otherwise it was just her and the cube.

"Chell, you won't believe what just happened! That McMurphy fellow, you know the one who's always getting on the nurse's nerves, anyway he got everyone to stop doing their chores to watch a baseball game. I don't that what that is, but everyone was so excited it must be brilliant but the nurse was like 'no you have to do your chores' so McMurphy said 'let's vote on it' and it was a tie! But then, but then this guy, Bromden, who never talks, kind of like you actually maybe he's your long-lost brother or something, anyway he voted so we won but the nurse said 'the vote's over too bad' but McMurphy and everyone started _pretending_ to watch it. They were all cheering and I was making loud noises we all had a whale of a time! You should've been there." Chell sighed, at least Wheatley was enjoying himself. Wheatley then glanced down the hall then turned apologetically to the former test subject.

"Well it's light's out now, gotta go. 'Night, luv." Wheatley walked off to the dormitories and Chell was once more left alone. Not exactly alone, she quickly remembered and then embraced the companion cube. Chell lovingly stroked it's side with her straitjacket enclosed elbow and placed tender kisses on the topmost heart symbol. No matter what happens, at least they would have each other.

The next morning Chell woke up snuggled around her faithful cube, the only thing that had never threatened to stab her and felt almost normal. Then the door to her room swung open. A figure in a trench coat and fedora stepped in.

"Thank you for assuming the party escort submission position." The being said while grabbing Chell and the companion cube. Immediately she recognized that voice and glanced up to see that beneath the fedora was a purple eyed Aperture Science Personality Construct, better known as the Party Escort Bot. Due to her straitjacket Chell was unable to struggle out of the Escort Bot's grip but to her luck Wheatley ran up.

"Chell guess what! McMurphy says he's going to take us all on a fishing trip! What's fishing? Never mind, I'm sure whatever it is will be really fun we should go. By the way who's your friend?" The Party Escort Bot shoved the companion cube into Wheatley's hands then picked him up as well. The bot carried them to the asylum's exit only to find the door was locked. It's optic began to blow bright purple then fired a laser which reduced the door to ash.

"They told me if I used my death laser I WOULD DIE!" Wheatley screamed in shock. The Escort Bot then carried the two to an alley and unceremoniously dropped them.

"I knew you two were a moron and a dangerous mute lunatic but I expected better than this." To both Wheatley and Chell's shock GLaDOS' voice was coming from the companion cube. One of its sides slid away to reveal a computer screen currently showing an image of GLaDOS in her chamber. Chell glared at the screen.

"Okay, I put a camera in the companion cube. Not so I could make sure that you were okay or anything... I just wanted forewarning if you ever came back to _kill me_ again. That way I'd have time to load all the turrets with explosive rounds." Chell rolled her eyes while Wheatley argued with the Party Escort Bot about why it had arms and legs when his old core body didn't. GLaDOS had the computer screen turn slightly to face Wheatley. "Now continue the experiment, and don't get incarcerated again."

"Incarcerated? What's that mean? I AM GOING TO DIE?" Wheatley yelled out.

"You're not going to- what would you even think- incarcerated doesn't mean- I am so tempted to activate the bomb in your head right now." Upon hearing the Wheatley had a bomb in him Chell rapidly scooted away.

* * *

><p>For today's cameo question: Wheatley wants to go on a fishing trip with a certain McMurphy, who's going to pilot the boat?<p> 


	6. Conspiracy Theorists FTW

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Conspiracy Theorists FTW

So far, aside from Wheatley's ramblings, the only thing GLaDOS had learned about humans was that they had the_wonderful_ idea of locking their morons and dangerous mute lunatics away to prevent them from interfering with society. Had she done that, it would have saved her quite a bit of trouble and being murdered. But the past was the past, and science had to be done.

"Wait a minute," Wheatley stared to the image of GLaDOS on the companion cube. "Whenever I tried to go for a walk these big guys in white coats would tackle me! How come they let us leave this time?" He asked to the joy of multiple readers who had doubted the verisimilitude of this tale.

"You would be surprised how cooperative the guards became when I offered them a large sum of green pieces of paper." Wheatley accepted this without question, while Chell was not sure whether to be overjoyed or horrified at the apparent corruption in this society's mental health system. "Also you cannot go around looking so conspicuous, you will need new clothing."

In response the Party Escort Bot cracked it's mechanical knuckles and stepped out of the alley. There were several moments of horrible noises before the robot returned with two pairs of clothing, slightly bloody. It then used one of its fingers to slice Chell's straightjacket in two and she immediately began massaging her sore arms. "Now put them on."

Chell turned to Wheatley and motioned for him to turn around. "Oh, don't look at each other while we put them on? Got it." The two quickly dressed in their new garments. Wheatley proudly displayed his clothes-putting-on-prowess, which only caused Chell to stifle a laugh as he had managed to put everything on backwards, even his shoes, somehow...

"O... M... G... ROBOTS!" Chell, Wheatley, the Party Escort Bot and GLaDOS looked towards the alley's entrance in horror. An incredibly fat man was gaping at them, especially the two robotic members of the group.

"Do not worry, you are simply experiencing a hallucination- NOW KILL HIM PARTY ESCORT BOT!" GLaDOS ordered. The man raised his hands in surrender.

"No, no need to kill me. I won't tell anyone about you or that you're artificial intelligences from Aperture Science-" The man said.

"How do you know we're from Aperture Science? Do you work for Black Mesa?" If GLaDOS was capable of spitting she would have spat the words "Black Mesa" out with near inhuman contempt.

"Of course not," The man chuckled. "They've been out of business since the resonance cascade. No, I'm Gabe Wellnew, an enlightened individual, or as the 'sheeple' would say a 'conspiracy theorist'. I've long thought that the AIs Aperture was developing would have survived but everyone else says 'you're crazy Gabe' or 'there's no way anything Aperture made could've survived the combines' but I knew it!"

"You know," Gabe stroked his beardless chin in mock thought. "I own a part store called Gabe's Valves and I had to fire my old employee, Greg after he spent too much time on the store's computer playing that G-Mod game, and you fellows look to be in need of work. In fact I live in an apartment right above it. I can give you a job and a place to stay if you tell more about Aperture."

In normal circumstances GLaDOS would have had the Escort Bot incinerate this man, however seeing Wheatley's track record so far she doubted he'd be able to find shelter and a job on his own. "They will accept your offer. Also, Escort Bot your mission is complete, return to the enrichment center." Chell looked rather indignant for having GLaDOS decide her fate once again, while Wheatley didn't seem to mind at all. The Party Escort Bot took one final look at the three humans then promptly walked off.

"Great! Come on guys, I'll show you to the store." Gabe beckoned forth to the two. On the way Wheatley regaled Gabe with tales of his and Chell's adventures in Aperture, thought he was rather reluctant to discuss his brief stint as an evil overlord. Instead he focused on Chell's time in old Aperture, which he had no idea bout and pretty much made up as he went along.

"So then Chell found the three portal device and used it to stop the evil boy band that was trying to take over the enrichment center. But little did she know there was a pony there named um, Rainbow Sparkles and it spirited her an PotaDOS to safety!" Eventually the trio arrived at a small store with sign labeled "Gabe's Valves" above its entrance.

"And here's the store. You like talk a lot Mr. Wheatley so you can be a salesman. And you Ms. Chell you can be, uh, you don't talk so, you can handle the register!" _It would be so easy to abuse this man's childlike trust of you and kill him, just a thought._ GLaDOS said into Wheatley's head, but he brushed the intruding thought away.

Gabe then lead the two upstairs to his apartment. "Welcome to my crash pad!" He gestured at the surrounding room. There was a couch and medium sized television, a small dining/kitchen area, and three doors. He then pointed towards each of the doors and explained their contents. "That's the bathroom, that's my bedroom, and that's the guest room where you'll be. I always knew that room would come in handy."

"You guys can stay here until you're on your feet. Or you could just stay here and we can be roomies! Please. I have no friends..." Gabe stared pleadingly towards Chell and Wheatley. "But you guys must be tired, I'll show you to the guest room." Gabe lead them to the middle door and opened it. To Chell's horror there was only one bed.

Gabe unfortunately mistook Chell's expression for shock at the bed's size. "Yep, I bet that's comfiest bed you've ever seen! Well, good night new friends." He caught Chell and Wheatley in bear hug then went to his own room. Wheatley then yawned loudly.

"Oh, there's that thing where I breathe funny and it makes the strange noise. That's normal isn't it?" He asked nervously to Chell. She nodded and then tried to devise a solution to their bed issue. Chell walked towards the bed and drew a line down the middle with her finger. She pointed to Wheatley then to the left side of the bed. Then she pointed to herself and the right side of the bed. "So that's my spot and that one's yours?" Chell nodded, impressed that Wheatley had understood her for once. "Got it, you won't even know I'm there, luv." Both rather tired from the day's events, Chell and Wheatley got onto their sides of the bed and quickly drifted to sleep.

Chell slowly awoke to the feeling of something wet covering the side of her face. Once fully roused she noticed what it was. Despite having clearly divided the bed into sides, Wheatley had ended up wrapping himself around her like a koala on a tree and had been drooling all over her face. Thoroughly upset, she struggled out of Wheatley's only to find that for a moron who barely knew how to walk, he had a surprisingly tight grip. Her wriggling did managed to wake Wheatley, who looked around in utter shock, having no idea where he was.

"Wait the-, but I was-, how did I move when I was-, Has anyone ever told you that you are really squishy. It's quite nice."

* * *

><p>This question is a bit too easy, but the next cameo will be awarded to the first one to answer this question. Who is Gabe Wellnew based off?<p> 


	7. Job Employment Protocols

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Job Employment Protocols

Chell walked into the kitchen area of their new apartment, Wheatley followed while nursing a profusely bleeding lip. Gabe had already got up and was placing paper bags on the table.

"Morning guys! I can't cook and I doubt you two can either so I brought take out!" He then noticed Wheatley's wound. "What happened to you?"

"Don't tell other humans they're squishy." Was all Wheatley had to say on the matter. The new roommates sat down to eat and Wheatley grabbed a pancake from his take out bag and began to gnaw on it.

"There _is_ a fork in there." Gabe explained while pointing to the take out bag. Wheatley nodded in thanks and pulled out the utensil. He studied it for a moment, then stuffed it into his mouth and began to chew. Gabe watched in mild shock while Chell tried not to laugh. Having made no progress in eating it, Wheatley finally pulled the fork out.

"I don't mean to be insulting, Gabe, but I think your fork is stale." Unable to contain themselves any longer Chell and Gabe started laughing (Chell's of course, were silent). Wheatley attempted to join in on their mirth with some half-hearted laughter of his own. "Haha... I don't get it." The other's giggling continued so Wheatley just went back to gnawing on his pancake.

Once their breakfast was finished Chell began to poke Wheatley. When he turned to look at her, Chell pinched her nose while waving her other hand beneath it, hoping Wheatley would get the message.

"Yes, humans are quite smelly. Come to think of it, the smell's worse than normal today... I wonder why?" Exasperated, Chell pinched her nose again and pointed at Wheatley. "Th-That's _me_? Bloody hell, I smell horrible!"

"Just take a shower." Gabe stated. Wheatley became noticeably more calm now that he knew he could stop smelling bad. Chell got up to show him how showers work but Wheatley put his hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"I think I can figure it out on my own. I can be a perfectly good human." He walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind him. Chell stared at Gabe while holding up three fingers, then two, then one. As soon as she lowered the last finger a crash came from the bathroom. Chell sighed and went over the bathroom to help Wheatley.

"I don't need any help, I'm not a moron who can't figure out basic human stuff- oh, that tickles! What are you doing, _oh_ you're supposed to take a shower _without_ clothes on. That makes much more sense. Thanks, luv." With the water turned on and Wheatley knowing that he had to disrobe, Chell left the room. Nervously Wheatley inched his way into the shower. _What are you waiting for?_ GLaDOS' mental voice demanded. _Clean yourself so we can continue to observe human life._

"I know, it's just, well, that's a lot of water there..." Wheatley shuddered while thoughts of electrocution danced through his head. _You're not a personality construct anymore, the water won't kill you. _"Yeah but what if you're wrong? I mean the scientists told me about how all my functions could kill me and they were wrong." _Just clean yourself. _Wheatley tentatively reached his finger out to the water. A small drop landed on his fingernail and Wheatley braced himself for certain death. When nothing happened, however, he stepped into the spray of water and noticeably relaxed.

"This isn't too bad." Wheatley simply stood, reveling in the feeling of the warm water washing over him. He noticed a small alcove lined with several bottles labeled "shampoo", "conditioner", and "body wash". Wheatley grabbed the shampoo bottle and attempted to read the text on the front, however as he was used to automatically downloading information into his knowledge databank instead of actually reading this proved to be a challenge. "S... ham... She am po... shampon... showp... soap!" He concluded. "People clean themselves with soap, so I guess I do... cleaning with it." Wheatley said to himself.

He opened the shampoo bottle and squeezed, causing a stream of soap to spurt out. The shampoo hit Wheatley directly in the face and stung his eyes. Wheatley scrambled around while screaming but fortunately ended up under the flow of water which rinsed the soap away. No longer in intense pain, Wheatley noticed that the water and soap had reacted to form bubbles. Experimentally, he squeezed a dollop of shampoo into his hand and held it under the shower spray. It quickly began to bubble up and Wheatley smiled in childlike fascination with his new discovery.

Meanwhile Chell was sitting on the couch, watching a documentary about the combines and the Seven Hour War. Nestled against her side was the faithful companion cube, which had one side lowered so GLaDOS could watch the program as well.

"And so with the discovery of the Aperture Science vessel, _The Borealis_, the final chapter in humanity's resistance was about to unfold. Join us next time in the exciting third episode in our documentary series." Gabe switched the television off and frowned.

"They've been saying 'stay tuned for episode three' for years now. I think they've run out of funding for edutainment programming. All people care about these days are reality shows and cheap sitcoms." Gabe huffed in annoyance as he spoke.

"What did become of _The Borealis_? It is Aperture Science property and knowledge of its fate is thus Aperture Science property as well." GLaDOS asked from the cube.

"It started when the resistance-" Before Gabe could continue a large crash came from the bathroom. Chell sighed and went to see what Wheatley had done now. She had made sure the door was unlocked incase Wheatley found a way to accidentally drown himself and quickly pulled it open. Chell was greeted by a wall of bubbles which began to spill out and consume the room.

As the bubbles continued to flow out Wheatley soon joined them. Chell popped out from the flood and glared at him. "Sorry. Got a little carried away with the soap. Hehe." Wheatley smiled nervously.

"That's coming out of your paycheck." Gabe added.

After the soap tsunami was cleaned it was time for Wheatley and Chell to being their first day as employees of Gabe's Valves. Chell seemed to understand working the register, however Wheatley was proving to be more difficult to instruct.

"All right, when a customer comes in you say?" Gabe asked to test his new salesman.

"'Ello, my name's Wheatley uh..." Wheatley paused for a moment trying to remember his surname. _Pendleton_, GLaDOS said exasperatedly, _your last name is Pendleton_. "Wheatley Pedepalps!" No one could hear it, but GLaDOS had activated her slow-clap processors. _Pendleton, moron._ "Err, Pendleton. How can I help you today? May I recommend you buy the most expensive item in the store?"

"Good, but leave out the last part. The customer doesn't want to feel swindled." Wheatley gave Gabe a thumbs up and his new boss left to take inventory. The front door opened and a woman in a lab coat stepped in. Immediately Wheatley walked up to her.

"'Ello there! My names Wheatley... um... Pedophile! How can I help you?" Wheatley smiled extremely wide, showing off the gap in his front teeth and overall looked quite insane. The woman, known to the other residence of the town as Dr. Susan Calvin, an expert in artificial intelligence, shrunk back from the seemingly disturbed man-former-personality-core-thing.

"I'm just looking for the bathroom." Susan responded meekly, hoping to be far away from this man as soon as possible.

"Unfortunately its full of bubbles so you can't use it." Gabe looked up from some valves and yelled over to Wheatley.

"No Wheatley, the customers don't use the bathroom upstairs. The store has its own one." He explained.

"Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about. Sorry... again..." Wheatley smiled apologetically and scratched the back of his head.

* * *

><p>For this chapter's question, Dr. Susan Calvin was the cameo of whom? (To the person who the cameo was for its not eligible obviously). Also I have two ideas for the next chapter: Wheatley discovers the internet, or Gabe takes Wheatley and Chell fishing. Both will be written, but which do you think should come first and be the next chapter?<p> 


	8. The Internet is for

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

The Internet is for...

Several weeks had passed since Wheatley and Chell were welcomed into the home of less than sane conspiracy theorist/store owner Gabe Wellnew, and a sense of normalcy had developed. Wheatley had memorized his sales pitch and was no longer being attacked by mothers who thought he was after their children, and had finally figured out how to bathe without flooding the bathroom. Also in this time Wheatley's face had become quite covered in stubble, something which initially horrified him, until realizing that other humans had beards and thus would not die from it.

Currently he was watching television, one of the few human things Wheatley found enjoyable, especially the show he was currently watching - _My Midget Horsy: Companionship is Enchanting_. As GLaDOS could see and hear everything the moron saw and heard, she was forced to watch the program as well or risk missing out some vital human knowledge.

_The psychology behind these characters is quite fascinating,_GLaDOS commented into Wheatley's brain. _For example it's clear that the pink horse will eventually go insane, butcher her friends, and bake them into cupcakes._ Wheatley shushed the AI's voice and went back to watching the show. While caught up in the adventures of the midget horses neither Wheatley nor GLaDOS noticed Chell walk up and shove a note at him.

"You want me to do _what_to an elephant?" Wheatley asked in horror while reading the note. Chell face-palmed and walked over to Gabe. She handed the note to him, then pointed to Wheatley and the boss immediately understood. Gabe went up to Wheatley and began to read the note.

"It says: 'Wheatley, if you are going to keep hugging me in your sleep please shave. Your stubble is giving me a rash'. Eww, Chell that was way too much information!" Wheatley got up and looked at Chell.

"Shaving huh? I can do that. Been shaving my whole life I have, won't be a problem luv." Wheatley's bluff was not lost on either of his roommates but neither intervened as they figured this was a lesson Wheatley needed to learn the hard way. "Alright, shaving. Now what exactly is shaving? You know... shaving is shaving! So all I have to do is figure out the _process_ of shaving." He then noticed a can of shaving cream sitting on the edge of the sink. "Oh yeah! Shaving's got something to do with shaving cream." He held the can up to his mouth and squirted the shaving cream in then attempted to swallow. Wheatley's eyes widened and he began to vomit profusely.

Outside Chell and Gabe heard the retching and Gabe went to help him. Thirty minutes later they emerged, Gabe covered in shaving cream and Wheatley's face covered in bloody bandages.

"Shaving... is... HORRIBLE!" Chell silent-chuckled and patted Wheatley on the shoulder.

Later, Gabe was checking his email when Wheatley walked by. His eyes became transfixed on the computer screen and its high-resolution imagery. "What's that?" He asked in wonder.

"It's the internet." Gabe explained while typing.

"The scientists told me that if I ever used the internet I would die!" Wheatley shivered noticeably at mention of 'internet'.

"I doubt that. Here, try it!" Gabe got up and let Wheatley sit in front of the computer. He clicked the home page button which Gabe's FaceSpace page. Next to it was an icon for a game called 'World of Angry Farms'.

"What's that?" Wheatley asked while clicking the icon.

"It's an MMOFPSRPGRTSTD Point-and-Click Browser Game. Don't ask me what that stands for because I don't know." Wheatley barely heard Gabe as he became enraptured by the virtual world laid out before him. Hours passed and Wheatley continued to play the mesmerizing game.

"Wheatley I need the computer back." Gabe spoke up, as he had never finished checking his e-mail earlier.

"But I'm fighting this 'Mystic777' human and I'm about to win!" Wheatley fervently clicked buttons on the screen and typed. "Oh, also it said that I'm the one millionth person to visit this website and that I won a free Q-Pad so I gave them your credit card information but they didn't say when the Q-Pad would arrive. Oooh, what's this do?" He clicked another icon and a video of a dancing man appeared. Gabe sighed and left.

"**_Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!_**" The man sang and Wheatley looked profoundly disturbed.

Meanwhile Chell was eating noodles when she heard a rather pitiful cry coming from Gabe's room.

"Chell! Cheeeeell! Help! There's a scary man on the computer and he says he's going to stalk me!" Wheatley cried out. "I don't wanna die!"

* * *

><p>This chapter was rather short, but I didn't have nearly as many ideas for Wheatley doing internet stuff as I thought. The next chapter shall be the big fishing trip!<p> 


	9. Excursions into Uncivilized Territory 1

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Excursions into Uncivilized Territory, Part the 1st

Chell awoke at three AM to use the bathroom, much to her surprise she wasn't covered in drool or being hugged by her personality core-turned-mortal-enemy-turned-human friend, who was nowhere to be found. She shrugged and went to use the bathroom, however on her way back to bed she saw Wheatley sitting on the couch, mindlessly staring at static on the television screen.

"I don't get this show at all. What's it about? Where are the characters, unless that is the character and he's a giant fuzzy blob thing, or maybe..." Wheatley muttered to himself when he noticed Chell walk up to the couch. "Oh, hey luv." Chell pointed to their room with a questioning look on her face. "I couldn't sleep. I've been thinking about things, mostly about humanity. Don't get me wrong, there's some pretty good things about it, the telly and the computer and eating; eating is great! What comes after eating... not so much. Anyway I got to thinking, I miss my management rail. Doesn't make any sense really, I hated that thing. If it went one way I had to go that way, awful isn't it? But now I can go whichever way I want! Yet still, I kind of miss that rail."

Chell was pretty sure she understood what was bothering Wheatley, he was 'homesick' for his days of being a personality core. Of course GLaDOS would never let him go back if science was to be done, and Chell preferred Wheatley's human body as he couldn't be plugged into machines that would turn him evil anymore, so he would just have to deal with it. Chell leaned forward and hugged her human-turned-robot-turned-human-again best friend. "Thanks, I needed that." Wheatley smiled and hugged her back.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything..." Gabe said while laughing to himself. Wheatley and Chell looked up to see their roommate/boss had too been awoken in the middle of the night.

"No, we were just talking, well I was talking... about human stuff mostly." Wheatley paused for a moment, a brainwave had struck him. "Speaking of humans; I wonder what ever happened to McMurphy? He said he was taking the everyone on a fishing trip. What is fishing by the way?" Gabe's eyes lit up at the mention of fishing.

"That's a great idea! We can go on our own fishing trip, we'll need supplies first." Gabe paced around thinking about what they might need. "There's a all-night super market down the street we can visit... to the car!" The three piled into Gabe's old van and drove off. The quickly arrived at a medium sized supermarket called 'Sloth Mart' which, true to Gabe's words, was brightly lit and obviously open.

For the most part Sloth Mart was empty besides the three and a few employees unfortunate enough to have the night-shift. As they walked up to the isles Chell suddenly stopped dead in her tracks. Without warning she then darted off towards to desserts sections. Wheatley chased after her while Gabe, deciding that Wheatley could hopefully deal with whatever was wrong, began to gather supplies for their trip.

Wheatley managed to catch up the Chell only to find the former test subject slumped to her knees, with tears streaming out of her eyes and a shocked expression on her face. He had no idea what would provoke such a strange reaction in the otherwise ever stoic Chell he knew, until he noticed precisely what Chell had been staring at. Proudly on display in front of them was a black forest cake.

"Whoa, it really isn't a lie." Wheatley gasped while Chell got up and walked towards the cake as if in a trance. She reached out and gingerly touched the cake, in order to affirm its realness.

"Get your hands off that cake!" One of Sloth Mart's employees yelled while rushing towards Chell. Wheatley leaned forward and tried to read the employee's nametag.

"'Ello... Salty Manacles!" The employee frowned and held up his nametag.

"My name is Sal Monella and you _cannot_ touch that cake!" Sal then heard the sound of chewing and saw that Chell had grabbed a large chunk of the cake and stuffed it into her mouth. In her defense, she had been promised the cake 999999 ago after all. Sal's face turned dark red with fury, he had spent hours laboring over that black forest cake only for some mute lunatic to defile it! This was _not_ okay, and that lunatic was going to pay.

At that precise moment Gabe lumbered by with a shopping cart full of supplies including bug spray, fishing poles, bait and more. "Guess what guys, they had a discount of fishing supplies! I've already bought everything we need, can you believe it?"

"That's nice Gabe, now we must run!" Wheatley cried as the three bolted away from Sal Monella and his unending rage. It was very fortuitous that Gabe had already purchased their supplies as they had no time to do anything but haphazardly throw them into the car and speed off, leaving Sal in the dust.

"This isn't over! You will rue the day you defiled the cake of Sal Monella!" Sal bellowed to the heavens as Wheatley and company drove off to the uncharted wilds.

"Are we there yet?" Wheatley asked from the back seat.

"No." Gabe replied.

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"NO! We will not be there for another hour or so." Gabe clutched the steering wheel a little tighter.

"How about now?"  
>"I just said another hour!"<p>

"Well how long's an hour?"

"Can't you just sing a song or something?" Gabe sighed. Wheatley's face lit up at the suggestion and he took in a deep breath.

"**_No, don't call me a moron, I'm super astute! There is no conundrum that my core cannot compute. No, don't call me a moron, you fostered balloon. My IQ's the infinite space from here to the moon!_**" Chell and Gabe both realized at that moment that this was going to be quite a long car ride.

* * *

><p>After this chapter you should have a pretty good idea of what's going to end up happening with Chell and Wheatley by the end of the story. Now, for the next cameo awarding question, what series do Sloth Mart and Sal Monella originate from?<p> 


	10. Excursions into Uncivilized Territory 2

In response to a review by "NB" I would like to assuage any reader's potential concerns. This is not a romance story, it's a story about the humor derived from Wheatley attempting (and failing) to adjust to human life. Any romance contained herein is solely to explore that idea, as Wheatley attempting a relationship has great potential for hilarity. Also I really want to make an homage to the "Wheatley is the Best at Flirting" youtube video because it's hilarious. So do not worry, the story isn't going to degrade into a sappy antithesis of Portal.

* * *

><p>Being Human<p>

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Excursions into Uncivilized Territory, Part the 2nd

In actuality, it took far more than an hour to reach the fishing spot. The sun was beginning to rise and the trio was still driving down the highway. Gabe noticed a short Latino, or Mexican even though that's not quite right, with very poofy hair, and a goatee standing on the side of the road, his thumb up in the universal gesture of "Can I have a ride?". Having remembered his own days hitchhiking on an ill-fated quest to expose the governor as a reptilian, Gabe took pity on the man and pulled over.

"Where're you headed, stranger?" He asked to the Latino.

"I'm just a drifter, go where the cars take me. My name's Zanegar by the way." Zanegar responded while tucking his hands into his coat pockets.

"We're going to Lake Ferguson." Zanegar's face noticeably paled at the mention of the lake.

"B-but, there's a sea monster in that lake!" He shouted in fear.

"Sea monster?" Wheatley gasped and began to shiver. Gabe sighed and looked between Wheatley and the hitchhiker.

"There's no sea monster in Lake Ferguson!" Wheatley breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed. "There is a lake monster though..." Wheatley gulped. "So are you coming with us?"

"No way. I'm not crazy enough to get eaten by a lake monster!" Zanegar rapidly shook his head and ran off. Gabe rolled up the window and began to drive once more.

"Gabe, we're not really in danger of getting eaten by a monster are we?" Wheatley chuckled nervously to himself and glanced back to see if Zanegar was still alive or if this monster thing had gotten him.

"Don't worry, we'll be fine. Oh here we are!" The car pulled up in front of a sign reading "Lake Ferguson Wildlife Reserve and Park". Gabe, Chell and Wheatley got out while Gabe went to the back and gathered up their supplies. As they walked up to the lake the three noticed a heavily pregnant women walking towards the parking lot, and Wheatley ran up to her.

"Woah, you're bloody massive! Huge, in fact. Just, wow. I've never seen anyone that big!" He remarked and the woman grimaced at him. "How'd you get so big?"

"I'm pregnant." She responded curtly, but Wheatley failed to notice her anger.

"Pregnant? What's that mean? Is it a fancy way of saying fat?" Wheatley continued, still oblivious to the woman's discontent.

"It means there is a baby in me." Wheatley's eyes widened in shock and wonder.

"There's a little human in you? How'd he get in there, did you eat him? You monster!" Wheatley gasped and lunged at the women. "Don't worry little human I'll save you!" Gabe and Chell ran up and restrained Wheatley while the pregnant woman power waddled away. "Why did she eat that poor little human?"

"She didn't eat him. A man and a women make a little human, uh, and then it grows in the mom, and then it comes out and that's where humans, um come from." Gabe stuttered, not sure how exactly to give 'the talk' to a former AI.

"Oh, I get it now." Wheatley nodded and was visibly relieved that the woman hadn't been eating little humans. "Well if I ever make a little human, I'd make it with you Chell, 'cus your my best friend!" Wheatley then hugged Chell, who wasn't sure whether to be embarrassed or horrified by Wheatley's comment. It was clear Wheatley that despite his assertion, Wheatley did not 'get it'.

Ten minutes later they had gotten the raft inflated and were preparing to shove off into the deep portion of the lake.

"Um, are you sure this is safe?" Wheatley asked as they floated out. "Because I can't swim, so I'd be pretty easy pickings for the lake monster..." Despite his worries, the former core was in no danger of drowning, he had been outfitted with a life-vest, water wings, and an inner tube. It was Chell thought who insisted on the extra flotation devices, she was sure he'd find a way to drown with just a life-vest, and was probably right.

"Now fishing is really simple," Gabe said and handed Chell and Wheatley fishing poles. "You use this pole to throw bait into the water, then when a fish bites the bait, you reel him in and we eat it."

_Wow, I thought she was a murderous lunatic, but it seems that all humans are obsessed with murdering things. Very interesting,_ GLaDOS commented into Wheatley's head. Ignoring the AI, Wheatley inspected the hook at the end of the fishing pole's line. While attempting to hold it his hand slipped and the barbed end of the hook impaled itself deeply in his index finger. Wheatley then did the only logical thing, he clutched his finger, which only heightened the pain, and began to scream at the top of his lungs.

"It bit me! The bloody thing bit me!" Chell leaned forward to see what was wrong only for Wheatley to bat her away. "Stay back! It'll try and bite you too!" Now Chell was nothing if not tenacious, so she ignored the moron's protests and tried to grab his hand and remove the hook. This proved to be a very bad idea, as Wheatley responded by shoving her away and off the boat. She landed in the lake with a massive splash that sent water spraying in every direction, drenching Gabe and Wheatley.

"No! The monster got her!" Wheatley leaned over the boat, his wounded finger forgotten, and looked for his fallen companion. Chell emerged from the water looking extremely peeved. Before Wheatley could even react she grabbed his finger, wrenched the hook out, and climbed back into the boat.

Once Wheatley's finger was bandaged, he sat hugging his legs in the corner of the raft while Gabe and Chell fished. "Fishing is not fun." He rocked back and forth slightly. Meanwhile Chell felt her fishing rod stiffen and had to pull back to stop from being thrown overboard again.

"You've got a bite! Quick help her!" Gabe yelled, he and Wheatley grabbed Chell and the three of them began to pull with all their might.

"This thing's huge! It must be even bigger than that lady." Wheatley groaned as they fought desperately to haul in this apparently massive catch. The fish was putting up quite the struggle and it seemed that the three were fighting a losing battle, but then the fish changed strategy. Instead of struggling against the line it charged forward and leapt out of the water.

Chell, Gabe and Wheatley gawked at the fish as it rose from the depths of Lake Ferguson. It was a massive green beast, easily the size of a man, with dozens of needle like teeth and fins ending in razor sharp claws. They had no idea of course, that this was not a regular fish, but an alien being known as an ichthyosaur, one of many extraterrestrials which had colonized Earth's habitats after the resonance cascade.

"It's the lake monster!" Wheatley screamed as the ichthyosaur landed in the inflatable and quite flimsy raft. Chell immediately began to kick and punch the beast while Gabe whacked it with his pole in hopes of driving the creature back into the lake. However this ichthyosaur was not to be deterred and simply thrashed about, unfazed by the attacks, and threatened to capsize the raft.

Their saving grace was that the ichthyosaur's tail had remained in the water and it's thrashing had propelled the boat back to shore. As the vain struggle continued the raft struck dry land and catapulted Chell, Gabe, Wheatley and the beast onto the beach. Out of its element and slowly drowning in air, the ichthyosaur flopped around helplessly while the others panted and tried to regain their bearings. Gabe stared at the dying fish and smiled.

"Tonight, we feast like kings!"

Once the fish had given up the ghost the three set to work on cooking it. They were now seated around a small fire with chunks of fish roasting on a spit above the blaze. Gabe passed the time informing Chell and Wheatley of the various conspiracies that he believed plagued the world.

"Reptilians?" Wheatley asked while chewing on a piece of ichthyosaur meat.

"Yep. Lizard men from outer space. They've been living amongst us and controlling our governments for thousands of years. The combines have nothing on these guys. Reptilians are everywhere controlling everything, and everyone knows about them. It's the perfect cover. It sounds crazy so they make sure to release all their information so that people think it's a hoax. But I know better, and once my XBox Live buddies finish deciphering those government documents we found, we'll march on the capitol and finally the reptilians will face justice!" Gabe pumped his fist and took a bit of fish. "You guys know what I'm saying, right?"

"Um, yeah. Those reptilians won't know what hit them with you around, mate." Wheatley and Chell nodded nervously.

"Good, because non-believers could get in some pretty big trouble once the revolution begins."

_This man's insanity is fascinating. Maybe I won't have to send the Party Escort Bot to kill him after this experiment is over after all. _GLaDOS was quite happy with today's results on human culture, and she had added a file in her human knowledge databanks about these 'reptilians' just in case.

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><p>The story is nearing it's end. I'd say we have about two or three more chapters left.<p> 


	11. Wheatley is the Best at Flirting

Warning: The following chapter was deemed Not Safe for Mortal Minds by GLaDOS as she reviewed the transcripts of the events herein, therefore several portions have been redacted for your own safety.

Also: William Shakespeare and Doctor Seuss' battle is property of NicePeter and the Epic Rap Battles of History. Wheatley is the Best at Flirting the youtube video is no way affiliated with the fanfiction either.

* * *

><p>Being Human<p>

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Wheatley is the Best at Flirting

It had been several weeks since the fishing trip and Wheatley's life as a human had developed a sense of normalcy. With less data coming in GLaDOS has begun to focus on some other experiments as well, for example she had recently discovered that Aperture Science had been collecting the DNA of famous historical figures in hopes of cloning them. The scientists were too busy being dead to continue this research but the AI thought it was worth perusing. Unfortunately all she had managed to accomplish was cloning William Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss, who had done nothing but argue over who was better at rhyming for days.

In their most recent attempt to settle this conflict the two clones had decided to stage a 'rhyme-off' which was honestly just a glorified name for a rap battle. Shakespeare was up first, he smiled smugly at Seuss while holding up one of the deceased scientist's skulls in an imitation of _Hamlet_.

"**_Come bite my thumb, I hope you know the stakes. I'll put a slug between your shoulder blades then ask what light through yonder poser breaks? I hath been iambic on that butt ye blowhard. My rhymes are classic yours are drafted by a kindergartener high on acid! Ye hoebag, you're an old white Soulja Boy who has no swag, and no gonads, egads it's so sad. And to top it off your not a doctor. I've never seen a softer author. You crook you, I bet you wrote the Twilight books too!_**"

Doctor Seuss glared at the famous poet's smug face before issuing his rebuttal.

"**_I would not could not on a boat, read any of the boring old plays you wrote! Even Horton doesn't want to hear you and Cindy Lou Who is afraid to go near you. You bore people to death. You leave a classroom looking like the end of MacBeth. I entertain a child of any age, you gotta translate what you said on the opposite page! How you gonna battle with Cat in the Hat? Little kids get scared when I step on the mat. You think your ruffled neck butt gonna rhyme to that? I got a best-selling book about a cat coming back!_******"

Seuss raised up two fingers and curled them in the universal gesture for 'bring it'. Shakespeare was not to out mastered by some pseudo-doctor though. He took in a massive breath and then began to speaking faster than even the space core could manage.

"**_I'm switching up my style like the Beatles with my pieces, each is such a wonder with a plethora of features. You're pathetically predictable you think your new book might include a trisyllabic meter and some ghetto Muppet creatures? The Bard is in the building, it's a castle, I'm a boss. I bet I'm Parliament I bet I'm positive I'm killing it. I'm iller than the plague I never caught or Cholera, a baller baller, on some cricket bowler business while you're sitting in the bleachers!_**"

Dr. Seuss and GLaDOS just stared at Shakespeare in a shocked silence for several moments. However Seuss had a comeback planned.

"**_You rhyme fast you do, yes you rhyme fast it's true_**-" Before he could continue a voice GLaDOS had hoped not to hear today invaded her processors.

"Um, hello. I don't mean to interrupt you if you're doing science or anything like that, it's just. Well, I really need your help." While installing a chip in Wheatley's head which would allow them to communicate during his time amongst humanity sounded like a good idea at the time, GLaDOS was really beginning to regret it. "It's kind of embarrassing really, but it's not going away so I really need your help. "

"You got stuck in the toilet again didn't you?" GLaDOS released a pre-recorded sigh.

"No, no, haven't done that in days actually. I think I've pretty much mastered the art of, uh, defecation."

"Then what's wrong?" Wheatley paused for a moment and GLaDOS considered just ignoring him and returning to the clone experiment. However before she could decided he started to speak up again.

"Its... the itch. The itch is back, and its worse than before!" That actually surprised GLaDOS.

"Impossible. The testing compulsion protocol is built into my chassis, even if you were still a core you should not be capable of feeling it."

"No, not that kind of itch. I don't want to test, in fact I hope I never see another test chamber or cube ever again! This itch, it's not for testing, it's well, it's an itch for... Chell." For the second time that day, GLaDOS was genuinely shocked.

"What..."

"It's like, it's this, I want to be near her, and hold her and, and, if I think about it too much this part of me starts to get all swollen-"

"STOP! Please. stop. talking." GLaDOS knew that her relationship, or perhaps hatred of would be better, with Wheatley was interfering with her objectivity in the experiment, but this was just too much information, even for her. "I think I know what's wrong. You don't have the itch."

"Really?" Wheatley sighed. "That's a huge relief."

"I should have seen this coming, considering she's the only female human that tolerates your presence. Simply, you are in love with Chell." Now it was Wheatley's turn to be dumbstruck.

"What? But-, how, why, huh..." He continued to stammer out, having no idea how to respond to that accusation.

"You should attempt a relationship with her. I have very little data on human courtship. She will certainly reject you, but that still will further the cause of science." That, and she would immensely enjoy Chell's unquestionably negative reaction to Wheatley, hopefully it would involve bodily harm.

"But what would I say? 'Ello Chell, would you like to copulate with me?' No, because no one says that, not even on the telly. And on the telly human's are always being in love, and sleeping next to different people, and cheating. They never say what the people are cheating at, maybe board games? Those are fun. I especially like the one where the background looks like candy, I tried to eat some of pieces once, even I can admit that was a bad idea, I was sick for days!"

"Research human courtship on the internet. It appears to be a wealth of human knowledge, I prefer to study humanity first hand instead of gathering pre-recorded information, but it should suit you." Wheatley got up and headed to Gabe's computer. Gabe was out at some sort of conspiracy theorist gathering and Chell was watching a show about people who do nothing but bake cakes so he had no distractions.

Wheatley loaded up the Zillion search engine and searched "love". _Did you know the enrichment center has wireless internet connection?_ GLaDOS transmitted into his head. _I've been using it to study the internet, I've found that humans have a practice called 'fanfiction' on it, in which they write about characters other humans have created. I've written a few myself. One of them is a re-write of Hamlet with the characters replaced by people I know. Chell plays a court jester who gets hit by a neurotoxin truck at the end of Act One. Everyone laughs. I also wrote a story about those midget horses you love so much, the pink horse goes mad and butchers her friends, then uses their remains to bake cupcakes. It was very well received._

However Wheatley paid no attention to GLaDOS' comments as he had become absorbed in the information he had discovered. He didn't understand the majority of it, but memorized what the articles said and went to go recite them to Chell. "I have no idea what any of this means, but if this is what humans do for love, then it should work." _Then go._ Wheatley got up, with far more courage than he should have, due to believing that an hour of research made him a master of romance, and went to find Chell. Wheatley walked up to Chell and stood in front of the cake show to get her attention.

"Hi - uh, sorry..." He said nervously, his previous confidence having evaporated. "...I just saw you, uh, from across the room, and I...and I would love to buy you a drink." Chell raised one eyebrow in confusion, but Wheatley mistook it as prompt to continue.

"Um...if I can be honest, with the...ultimate intention of...inserting my, uh, [REDACTED BY GLaDOS], into, uh, what is commonly referred to as your [DATA EXPUNGED]." Chell fell back onto the couch, her confusion turned shock. Wheatley both had no idea what either of those things were, and was very worried he might have gotten them mixed up, but soldiered through and kept talking.

"And once it's in there, moving it back and forth rhythmically, um, stimulating both myself, and, and, and hopefully you; depending, y'know, on, on, y'know...how big it is down there." By now Chell was beginning to realize from the former core's nervousness that he probably didn't understand what he was saying, that did nothing to alleviate her shock and now embarrassment.

"And, um, somewhere down the road - after a sort of period of time - there will be an, um, an [REDACTED]. Either into a prophylactic sheath, [DATA EXPUNGED], ah...or, as they say, into the area of your aforementioned zone... depending on...on how we feel we want to pursue it, really. Thoughts?" Chell just stared at him with her mouth gaping in shock and her face red with embarrassment.

"OKAY! Okay, I'll give you some time to think on it. See you then!" Wheatley bolted away and went to hide in the bathroom. He shut the door and locked it, or at least tried to and gave up in frustration. _That actually went better than I expected,_ GLaDOS told him, _I didn't think she'd let you finish your proposition._"I guess that's better than nothing..." He said dejectedly. "I must've screwed up. Maybe I'm the one with the [DATA EXPUNGED]. She must think I'm a moron." _That's because you ARE a moron._"I am not!"

Outside the bathroom Chell was still sitting the couch in shock. In retrospect, she thought, she should have seen this coming, especially considering how she had noticed that Wheatley acted more like a scorned ex-lover than a villainous mastermind during their 'final battle'. And to be honest she was rather fond of the former core, the fact that she had been willing to give him a second chance after he _tried to murder her multiple times_spoke volumes. If Chell were ever to have visited a psychologist, which she didn't as she was incapable of speaking to one, she likely would have been diagnosed with Stockholm Syndrome brought about by having effectively been raised by AIs.

She then heard Wheatley babbling to himself in the bathroom and decided she had to go and see him, at least to get him to shut up. She opened the door and came face to face with Wheatley, or face to chest as he was about a foot taller than her.

"Listen Chell, I'm sorry. Clearly I did something wrong, not entirely sure what since I didn't understand half of what all that meant. I was just trying to say about how I want to be near you, and hold you and, _She_ told me it meant I was in love and I'd probably agree with that-mrmphmpmph-" _I don't believe it, she really is brain-damaged_. Had Chell been able to hear GLaDOS and talk, she would have said her affection wasn't due brain damage but because of their unique shared heritage spending most of their lives in Aperture, they were kindred spirits and the only one the other could ever hope to understand and relate to. That and the Stockholm Syndrome.

"That. that was a kiss wasn't it? People do that when they're in love, not hating each other right?" Instead of nodding Chell kissed him again and began to push Wheatley into their room. "Luv, why did you lock the door? Oh my! Those are quite lovely, actually. They look like fleshy personality cores! Wait, what're you doing? That's very sensitive- _ohmanalive,whateveritisyourdoingdon'tstop_!"

[THE FOLLOWING PORTIONS OF THIS TRANSCRIPT HAVE BEEN PERMANENTLY REDACTED]

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><p>I hope that wasn't too sappy, if it was, compare it to the more emotional parts of Portal, like the Lab Rat comic and Portal 2's ending. But as I said, this is not a romance story, so while Chell and Wheatley are technically 'together' now it won't affect the later chapters much. Come to think of it all that's left is the two part huge finale! Here is the last cameo question, the hardest one of all (I got it from a trivia book). Dr. Seuss pronounced his name differently than how most people do, he did so in order for it to rhyme with what word?<p> 


	12. Termination of the Experiment, Part 1

This part has been majorly edited from its original incarnation. Specifically a musical number was added, based off "Man or Muppet" for _The Muppets_ (One of my picks for best film of 2011).

* * *

><p>Being Human<p>

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Termination of the Experiment, Part the First

"Man alive! That was- It was the most- even better than the test euphoria-just, oh man alive!" Wheatley was at loss for words as Chell lay half asleep on his chest. "Is this the way humans make little humans that Gabe was talking about?" The former core innocently pondered, however at the mention of 'little humans' Chell's eyes shot open in realization and she leapt out of bed. "What's wrong luv?" Wheatley asked as Chell pulled her clothing on. Once dressed she scribbled a note which she then gave to Wheatley before dashing out of the room.

"Morning After Pill? What's that?" Before Wheatley could think more on the matter GLaDOS' voice interrupted. _Congratulations, you've shown me more of her than I ever wanted to see. If I was capable of vomiting I would be right now_. "Well I liked seeing more of Chell, especially those fleshy personality cores. They're quite lovely, they are." _So would you say that you are no longer suffering from being human? _GLaDOS suddenly asked, Wheatley paused to think about it then responded. "To be completely honest... yes. Sure there's the pain and the leaking and all, but I can move around, and eat food, and watch the telly and do... whatever Chell and I just did, it's really not that bad once you get used to it."_ Interesting..._ Even Wheatley could pick up the rather negative tone in the AI's voice, but he didn't think much of it.

_You know, you've changed so much over the past few months._ "Oh, really?" Wheatley put his arms behind his head and stared up at the ceiling, trying to process the flood of emotions he had experienced over the past few hours. _Yes. It seems like just yesterday you were begging not be put in a 'disgusting human body'. Yet in many ways you're still the same moron. I wonder... are a really a human now? Or are you just a machine in a man's body?_

That question struck Wheatley like a sack of bricks. For as long as he could remember, Wheatley had been a little spherical robot. Sure, he had been a human before that; but the uploading process had destroyed any memories of his past life. Wheatley was a human now for all intents and purposes... but deep down inside, was he really? Or was he just a machine in a man's body like _She _had said?

Exhausted from his... bonding time... with Chell, Wheatley slowly drifted to sleep before he could ponder his current dilemma any further. Suddenly, Wheatley found himself standing in his bedroom. There was an odd ethereal quality to the room, and instead of being naked he was fully dressed in what had become his normal attire: brown pants, a white-collared shirt, blue sweater-vest and a bowtie (which he wore because it made him feel sophisticated an intelligent).

Strangest of all was the addition of a large mirror to the room. Wheatley felt drawn to it, and stepped up to the mirror. To his surprise, instead of seeing the human face he had become accustomed to, which bore an uncanny resemblance to a British comedian he'd seen on the television once, Wheatley instead saw his old personality core self staring back at him. He made several faces and the core-him mirrored them to the best of its ability. Wheatley had never noticed how expressive he had been as a sphere; the scientists who built it did deserve some congratulations on that at least.

"'Ello mate! Long time no see, eh?" Core-Wheatley asked while using his handles to emphasize his previous state of being. "Good to see you haven't forgotten who you _really_ are."

"But, but is that who I really am?" Wheatley asked back to his former self. Core Wheatley gave no answer. Due to this being a non-lucid dream, Wheatley soon found himself unable to do anything... but sing.

**_"I reflect on my reflection_****_  
>And I ask myself the question<br>What's the right direction  
>to go<br>I don't know_**

**_Am I a man  
>or am I a machine?<br>(Am I a machine?)  
>If I'm a machine<br>then I'm a very manly machine  
>(Very manly machine)<br>Am I a machine  
>(Machine)<br>Or am I a man?  
>(Am I a man?)<br>If I'm a man that makes me a machine of a man  
>(A machine of a man)"<em>**

Wheatley pressed his hands and face against the mirror, staring eye to optic with his core self, feeling torn in two. The core staring back at him seemed like a different person, a different life, but still his own...**_  
><em>**  
><strong><em>"I look into these eyes<br>And I don't recognize  
>The one I see inside<br>It's time for me to decide_**

**_Am I a man  
>or am I a machine?<br>(Am I a machine?)  
>If I'm a machine<br>then I'm a very manly machine  
>(Very manly machine)<br>Am I a machine  
>(Machine)<br>Or am I a man?  
>(Am I a man?)<br>If I'm a man that makes me a machine of a man  
>(A machine of a man)"<em>**

Memories flashed through Wheatley's head: running through the wheat field, pretending to watch whatever baseball was at the insane asylum, holding Chell in his arms... Then something clicked in his mind. Everything was clearer than it had ever been for the former personality core.

**_"Here I go again  
>I'm always running out of time<br>I think I've made up my mind  
>Now I understand who I am<em>**

**_I'm a man!_**

**_Not a machine!_**

**_I'm a machine of a man!_**

**_Not a very manly machine!_**

**_I'm a machine-y man!"_**

While singing, Wheatley had lost site of the mirror for a brief moment. When he looked back upon it, he saw only his face staring back; his _human_ face.

**_"That's what I am"_**

Wheatley's eyes snapped open and he found himself back in bed. "I'm a man! And... and..." He looked over and saw the note Chell had left about 'morning after pills' "And I'm in love!" He got up and stretched before walking out of the room. Distracted by the recent soul-searching and musical dream, Wheatley had forgotten was still naked and walked out to find Gabe sitting on the couch with a disturbed expression on his face.

"Gabe!" Wheatley waved cheerfully, then finally remembered he was naked and grabbed a pillow to cover himself as he learned was proper to do after the last few times he'd walked around in the nude. "Sorry, I forgot to get dressed. When did you get back?"

"About an hour ago..." Gabe responded while trying to burn the image of naked Wheatley from his mind. "You were... kind of loud..." He shuddered from the noises that had emanated from Wheatley and Chell's room.

"Oh, sorry about that, were you trying to watch something?" Wheatley was completely oblivious to the reason for Gabe's discomfort and Gabe's lack of an answer did nothing to help.

"I'm just going to go to my room... and forget this ever happened..." Gabe trundled away and into his bedroom, closing the door behind him. Wheatley shrugged and went to get his clothes back on.

Moments later the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" He quickly finished getting dressed and ran to the door. "'Ello!" Wheatley pulled open the door and immediately recognized his impromptu visitor.

"Please assume the party escort submission position." The Party Escort Bot then punched Wheatley in the face, shattering his glasses and breaking his nose. Wheatley crumpled to the floor. _The experiment is over. _GLaDOS happily informed him. Fortunately at this moment Chell returned to the apartment with a pharmacy bag in her hand. She dropped the bag in shock at the site of Wheatley and the Escort Bot.

"Who's there? Chell?" Due to the loss of his glasses and blood from his nose spreading over his face, Wheatley had no idea what was going on. Infuriated, Chell leapt onto the Party Escort Bot and began pummeling its optic to little effect. The Escort Bot ignored Chell's attack and attempted to scoop up Wheatley who continued to struggle in the vain hope of escaping. "Gabe! Come out here!" He screamed.

Gabe heard Wheatley's cries for help but he also heard the grunting and moaning from the battle with the Party Escort Bot, and based on what he had heard earlier, interpreted what was going on to be something _very_ different and didn't budge. Fed up with these various hindrances to its directive, the Escort Bot shrugged Chell off, grabbed Wheatley and ran out the door. Chell was sent flying and crashed against the sofa, and by the time she regained her bearings the Escort Bot and Wheatley were long gone.

Chell leaned back and prepared to let out a big "Nooooooo!" only to remember she was mute and stopped. Gabe nervously peeked out from his room and saw the former test subject laying against the couch and the scuff marks on the floor and doorframe from the Escort Bot battle.

"What the heck happened in here?" Chell desperately tried to pantomime what had occurred to no avail. "He did _what_ to a swordfish?" Chell sighed and went to grab a piece of paper and pen from the counter. She wrote down what had occurred and handed the note to Gabe. "Oh no... Don't worry, we'll get him back!" Chell shook her head and added to the note "Stay here, this is something I have to do myself." Gabe nodded in understanding and Chell left. He heard the sound of his van turning on and Gabe ran to the parking lot.

"Chell do you even know how to drive?" A massive crash followed by bits of car parts flying in every direction answered Gabe's question. However Chell was not to be deterred, she squeezed out from behind the inflated airbag and continued her journey on foot. She was not going to lose Wheatley again, especially after having learned that he was anything but a moron in the bedroom.

Meanwhile Wheatley had been taking back to the Enrichment Center and was now strapped into a gurney not unlike the one he had first woken up as a human in. A claw descended from the ceiling and placed a new pair of glasses on his face.

"Thanks." Wheatley murmured while trying to figure out how to breathe with his nostrils full of drying blood.

"You're welcome. I want you to be fully aware for what will happen next." GLaDOS' chassis swung around to face Wheatley and her optic narrowed.

"I thought you needed me for science?" GLaDOS drew closer to Wheatley, her internal temperature rising in anger.

"Yes, but you were also being horribly punished by being forced to readjust to human life. Now that you it no longer bothers you, and you deserve a far greater punishment."

"But I said I was sorry!"

"'Sorry' does not compensate for putting me in a potato, nearly destroying my facility, wasting perfectly good turrets and cubes for your inane tests and _putting me in a potato_!" Wheatley shuddered at the AI's rage.

"Y-you said 'putting me in a potato' twice..."

"I know, that was for emphasis. First as humans are very delicate and not at all suitable for centuries of pain I'll put you back in your core body, then you'll spend a few years in the incinerator, then..." GLaDOS was so caught up her rant she completely failed to notice that someone had entered the shed and had taken the lift down to her chamber.

"No!" GLaDOS and Wheatley both turned around in shock.

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><p>Who spoke? Was it Gabe come to help after all? Or someone else? Find out in the thrilling conclusion to Being Human!<p> 


	13. Termination of the Experiment, Part 2

And so we have reached the thrilling conclusion of Being Human!

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Termination of the Experiment, Part the Second

"But... You're not supposed to be able to talk!" Hearing Chell speak had shocked GLaDOS more than anything else, even finding out her past as Caroline did not compare. "It says right here in your file: Subject is mute, her vocal cords were accidentally emancipated. There is no possible way you could be talking to me." Chell simply shrugged, she would marvel at the scientifically impossible return of her voice once Wheatley was saved.

"This is not scientifically possible, it's a paradox! Unless... oh..." Wheatley and Chell both forgot their situation and turned to stare at GLaDOS in hopes of an explanation. "Well, after I pulled you back from space you were severely injured from a combination of 'step five'-"

"Again I am _really_, truly, sorry about that." GLaDOS narrowed her optic and Wheatley in annoyance then resumed her speech.

"From a combination of 'step five', asbestos poisoning, and prolonged exposure to the mobility gels. By my analysis you had exactly a month to live; so I put nanobots in your body to repair the damage. I told them 'fix everything' so I'm guessing they fixed your vocal cords as well. Come to think of it, I don't remember ever taking them out." Wheatley looked to Chell's torso in horror.

"Jerry?" A buzzing sound began to emanate from Chell.

"How did you even manage to find this place? There are no memorable landmarks within the wheat field surrounding this entrance." Chell pointed behind her to a trail of blood which presumably lead all the way back to the apartment. "Oh." GLaDOS turned her attention back to Wheatley and several claws began to descend from the ceiling. Before she could continue thought a weighted companion cube collided with her chassis.

"Prepare for trouble you slanderous troll!" A shadowed person yelled from the other side of GLaDOS' lair.

"Can you say anything that isn't a pop-culture reference?" The figure who had thrown the companion cube said. She appeared to be a female test subject, while her companion was the subject from chapter three. Now he had pulled his jumpsuit down to his waist, covered his torso in repulsion gel, and attached two turret legs to his head. Accompanying them were none other than William Shakespeare and Doctor Seuss.

"No longer will we be slandered and crushed by the most hurtful or words... and death traps. For we, Eldunari, Colossal Chris-Chan and these two other guys will your end trollish reign!" Colossal Chris-Chan roared while holding a dagger-like shard from a wall panel.

"Indeed knave! For too long have you oppressed us, and now our weapons shall pierce thy metallic mortal coil!" Shakespeare added. He and Seuss had reached a realization, no matter who was better at rhyming, neither would reach their full potential while imprisoned here. Thus they had put aside their difference and joined forces with

"What. The. Hell?" GLaDOS finally said. She realized just how bad an idea the human version of the cooperative testing initiative had been, especially paring those two. It seemed that between "Eldunari's" drive to escape, "Colossal Chris-Chan's" insanity and the unforeseen betrayal by Shakespeare and Dr. Seuss, they had actually managed to come close to succeeding. "The Enrichment Center would like to congratulate you all on managing to locate weaknesses in our security. Deadly neurotoxin will be dispensed in five..."

Colossal Chris-Chan clutched his medallion and began to chant. "Curse-ye..."

"Four..."

"Ha-me..."

"Three..

"HA!" Chris held his hands out as if firing a blast of energy and to the surprise of no one but himself, nothing happened.

"Two... One..." Wheatley closed his eyes, Chell covered her mouth and nose, Eldunari fell to her knees in defeat, Shakespeare and Seuss held each other and Chris-Chan was still in shock that his attack hadn't worked. But nothing happened. "Please leave the enrichment center Chell; I would love to kill you but we had an agreement."

"N-not... without... W-Wheatley." Chell's voice was strained and raspy, either due to disuse or her repaired vocal cords being imperfect. GLaDOS looked between the former test subject and the former personality core.

"You really are brain damaged, aren't you? That little idiot nearly destroyed science itself. Why would you even want him back?" Chell walked up to the companion cube Eldunari had thrown and pointed to the heart on its side. "I know you can talk."

"H-hurts... to." Chell answered while rubbing her throat.

"That's better. Now you were saying, why should I let the moron go?"

"I... love h-him." Chell glared at the AI. Wheatley smiled widely at her comment and temporarily forgot the horrible situation he was in.

"Well, when you put it that way... I guess I can make it painless and just detonate the bomb in his head." A small explosion rocked the chamber.

"Ahhh!" Wheatley looked around. "Wait a minute, this doesn't look like heaven, or android hell for that matter..."

"That was a joke. Ha ha." GLaDOS activated her slow clap processors while several panels fell away to reveal the source of the explosion, the smoldering remains of ATLAS and P-Body, who were quickly reassembled. "I couldn't actually fit a bomb in your head without removing a copious amount of brain matter, and I the experiment would be impossible if you any more of a moron."

"So I'm not dead?" Wheatley asked hopefully. Chell face-palmed in response.

"No. Oh dear, it seems that the Aperture Science Human to Core Transfer Surgery Table is malfunctioning and your bonds have been loosened _and_ the elevator the surface has lowered itself too. This is very unusual." Wheatley sat up and climbed off the gurney. He ran over to Chell and hugged her, this time not to the point of cutting off her airflow.

"Please don't escape, I'm begging you..." GLaDOS couldn't have made her sarcasm any more obvious without having the announcer AI consider it a sarcasm self-test.

"Quick, let's make a run for it!" Wheatley pulled on Chell's hand and lead her to the elevator, oblivious to GLaDOS' sarcasm.

"I had wondered if your stupidity was amplified by the intelligence dampening sphere's base coding. Now I know the answer. Just go." Realization dawned on Wheatley's face, and Chell couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh, sarcasm. Right, I knew that." Wheatley rubbed the back of his neck

"One last thing moron, if you _ever_ harm her I will hunt you down and do everything I previously mentioned _and then some_..." Chell's eyebrows raised, she knew that she and GLaDOS had developed some sort of vitriolic friendship during her last adventure in Aperture, but this was a bit much. Apparently GLaDOS realized this as well. "Not that I care about her wellbeing, I... I just don't want anyone to succeed where I failed."

Before Chell could think of some snappy retort about GLaDOS' rather poor excuse for an explanation, she shot the lift up and returned the two to the surface.

"Uh, what about us?" Eldunari nervously asked.

"I'd almost forgotten about you idiots. Activating the deadly neurotoxin in five... four... three..."

The door to the shed opened once again and Chell and Wheatley stepped out in the fading light.

"I don't get it. _She_ says _She_ hates you, but _She's_ always saving your life or letting you go or even letting me go for your sake! I think _She's_ bloody crazy. Maybe a virus in her system or something?" Chell just smiled at Wheatley and shrugged. She had a pretty good idea of why GLaDOS acted this way, something about the turrets' song, or how the painting of Caroline from old Aperture had brought back some interesting memories, but felt that she didn't need to go explaining right now. That and sentences longer than a few words were still out of her range.

"But anyways, we're free, you can talk, the world's our oyster luv! What should we do now?"

"Go home... m-maybe a... hospital for y-your... nose." Chell replied.

"Yeah, I don't think it's supposed to be all crooked and bleeding." Chell laughed and took his hand, then the two walked off, following the trail of Wheatley's blood into the sunset.

The End

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><p>I would like to thank everyone who reviewed this story, attempted (or succeeded) at answering my obscure questions, or just read it and did none of that. There is one other thing I have in store for you all...<p> 


	14. Omitted Results

About that one other thing...

* * *

><p>Being Human<p>

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Omitted Results

I had lots of ideas for this story, but not all of them worked out. Here are a few 'omitted results' (rejected ideas) that never made it in:

-A trip to the beach. I couldn't think of any jokes other than Wheatley wearing women's swimwear by accident, not enough for a full chapter.

-Various jokes about Wheatley's lack of understanding of gender, such as seeing Chell naked by accident and freaking out, believing GLaDOS has "mutilated her". I just couldn't find a good point to work them in.

-Movie night was originally going to be Eldunari's cameo, but I couldn't figure out how to place it with my plan for the final two chapters.

-Going to the zoo. My idea would have meant the visit would end within thirty minutes, seemed more appropriate for a flashback or noodle incident. I'll probably use it in the sequel.

-For the longest time, I had planned for Gabe to go with Chell and he would be killed by GLaDOS in a heroic sacrifice (or willingly be turned into a "Conspiracy Core" to replace Wheatley), as I didn't really like making an OC main character. His only purpose was to given a reasonable explanation for how the incredibly dysfunctional Chell and Wheatley could find a job and shelter.

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><p>Now that the story's been updated, revised, and made at least nine percent better I can being work on the TRUE SEQUEL. In the meanwhile, be sure to visit Wheatley's tumblr blog at askbeinghumanwheatley(dot)tumblr(dot)com. He'll answer almost any question you could possible have and then some!<p> 


	15. Addendum: Ask Wheatley

Being Human

Or, A Scientific Study on the Behavioral and Social Aspects of Homo Sapiens in its Natural Habitat Facilitated through the use of an Aperture Science Personality Construct

Addendum: Ask Wheatley

I've been mulling on how to continue Being Human, with both Rickventure and Being Human Too not feeling right to me. Until I can think of a proper sequel I have made this!

An Ask Wheatley tumblr thing, set directly after the events of this story. You can ask Wheatley what his thoughts were on events from the story, or his opinions on human life, or anything really.

It's at: askbeinghumanwheatley(dot)tumblr(dot)com


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